I’m not sure where to tell my story. I am now an adult, but I did experience bullying as a child and teenager–though fortunately not nearly as severely as so many others did. Unfortunately there were some times when I lashed out in an attempt to “share the pain” and was a bully myself. I am not proud of those times. If anyone who knew me in school comes on here, if you think that I was mean to you, please accept my apology. I came into the anti-bullying movement identifying myself as a victim only, but as I’ve done more research and reflected on my past I realize that there were times when I acted very inappropriately towards others. As I said, it was done through the filter of my own pain and shame, but that doesn’t make it right nor does it make those who were on the receiving end hurt any less. Again, I know that and am so sorry for all the marginal good it might do. So with that out of the way.
I grew up in a pretty well off neighborhood in Salt Lake City. I was very lucky to have a few friends, none of us terribly popular, and a very supportive family without whom, at worst I might have become another statistic, and at least wouldn’t have come through nearly as unscathed as I did. As I say, I was a wierd little kid who grew up into a wierd adult, the difference being that as an adult the strange among us are no longer wierd, or abnormal, just eccentric. My first problem was I had a bit too much imagination for my own good. “Why on earth should I listen to the teacher when the story in my head is infinitely more interesting?” I thought. Teacher, naturally, do not find this attitude amusing. I didn’t really get my act together academically until 8th or 9th grade. The teachers knew and acknowledged that my lack of performance wasn’t due to lack of intelligence, but they were puzzled about how to get me to put forth effort when in most cases I simply wasn’t interested. I can’t blame my teachers,they certainly didn’t encourage the teasing, but when you’re known as one of the kids who is always getting reprimanded in class, but not for anything cool, it gives you a bit of a stigma. Then I was, and am, a very self contained person, even a loner, I can interact with others, but I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself most of the time; often I prefer my own company. Whether this comes from being an only child, or is a natural feature of my personality, or both, I can’t say. The other kids would go off and play tag. I would head off to a corner of the playground and pretend to be a horse. Too much imagination again. The third strike is that I am a horrible klutz. Now, at 30, I am finding some sports I can actually stand, but I wouldn’t say I’m more coordinated, it’s just they’re either individual sports, or the people I play with aren’t that competitive. Of course with my imagination, being stranded in the outfield or somewhere similar, where I could do minimal damage, would lead to me going off into my own world, which was a problem on the rare occasions when the ball did come my way and I completely ignored it.
I can’t point to any incident that was especially severe. Just the usual stuff: people not wanting me in their group, being the last person picked for teams (and the occasional bargaining ala if you take her we’ll spot you a few points, or you can have “acknowledged good player” too), getting called very derogatory things, and later, the typical junior high relational aggression stuff (people “accidentally” bumping into me in the hall, so I’d trip or drop things, everyone vacating the lunch table I chose to sit at, prank calls, etc.). The cumulative effect was pain though. And it does stay with you. I am mostly of the opinion that your life is only about what has been done to you up to a point, after that it’s what you’ve decided to do with yourself. You grow up, get a grip, and move on, but to deny that it doesn’t still hurt or that it affected me would be a lie.
I have a hard time realizing that I may not be completely unattractive, no matter who, or how many people tell me otherwise, and I worry about being good enough. Later on, as I detailed in another post, some of the times I was mean to others were in reaction to the pain that I was feeling. I rejected others who may have genuinely been trying to be my friend because I thought they were doing it so they could make fun of me later. I hurt them, and denied myself opportunities too. I’m still not the best at trusting other people. I have to say I was not surprised after the Columbine incident. I remember thinking sometime in high school, by then the teasing had mostly eased off, that no one would take teasing and bullying seriously until one of the popular kids got hurt somehow–all the bullied kids who committed suicide don’t make a difference apparently. Let me say I DO NOT IN ANY WAY CONDONE WHAT HAPPENED AT COLUMBINE, violence is never the answer, but I can see how it could happen in a way that those who have never experienced that particular torment can not.
What saved me was that people began to be a bit more mature about things, and I found a place where my skills were valued, among the creative writing students, with whom I wasn’t entirely comfortable either as I had grown up among the popular kids and was somewhat suspect for that, but at least I could do something they found valuable and that helped immensely. Like many others college was a life-saver. It was more suited to my learning style and tendency to argue with instructors, and as I said, people behaved much more maturely by then.
A year or two ago, I happened to see a post on an unrelated message board that discussed the problem someone was having with a boy bullying their daughter. Someone referenced Brenda High’s site (Jaredstory.com) and being interested in the subject for personal reasons I went there. After reading her experiences, I wrote her a heartfelt and rambling letter, much like this post. She responded very warmly and put me on her mailing list.
As I have mentioned I am just finishing a Masters degree (Master of Professional Communication) at Westminster College. Part of the requirments for the degree is a significant communication project and generally we are encouraged to work with some outside agency. At the time I first contacted Brenda I had a project lined up. I was having trouble with the details on the project and I thought well, if this doesn’t work, I could see if there’s something I could do for Bully Police. The other project fell through and that’s how I got in contact with Carla from HREC. The project is now nearly finished, but I intend to stay active with the anti-bullying community as long as it needs or wants me.
To those who are still in the midst of this, please realize that there are adults who know how you feel, we care, and we are doing everything we can to make sure that in the near future kids will not have to put up with bullying anymore. Find somewhere that you fit in and do what makes you happy, in the end it will pay off. One day, you too will be able to make a difference. Don’t give up because we need you.